Me: "Someone has just sent round an badly spelt email about the office Secrete Santa."
Everyone: "Ewww!"
Lady: "Well he does come once a year!"
Sunday 9 December 2012
Wednesday 7 November 2012
Ignorance Is Bliss
Girl 1: "I'm going to tell her!"
Girl 2: "Noooo, don't tell her! She'll laugh at me!"
Girl 1: "I'm still going to tell her!"
Me: "Tell me what?"
Girl 1: "She didn't know that baby cockatiels came from eggs!"
Me: "What?! Did you think they grew on trees or something?!"
* * * *
Girl: "It was only a couple of years ago that I realised Scotch eggs have got meat in them."
Me: "What did you think the sausagemeat was?"
Girl: "I don't know... I thought it was some part of the egg. The mini ones. I offered one to my friend and she said no because she was vegetarian... I was like, what?"
* * * *
Girl: "My mum didn't realise Babycham was alcoholic, until she went to a party and said to someone 'What are you drinking?' 'Babycham.' 'Oh, why aren't you drinking?' She used to feed it to me when I was younger."
Girl 2: "Noooo, don't tell her! She'll laugh at me!"
Girl 1: "I'm still going to tell her!"
Me: "Tell me what?"
Girl 1: "She didn't know that baby cockatiels came from eggs!"
Me: "What?! Did you think they grew on trees or something?!"
* * * *
Girl: "It was only a couple of years ago that I realised Scotch eggs have got meat in them."
Me: "What did you think the sausagemeat was?"
Girl: "I don't know... I thought it was some part of the egg. The mini ones. I offered one to my friend and she said no because she was vegetarian... I was like, what?"
* * * *
Girl: "My mum didn't realise Babycham was alcoholic, until she went to a party and said to someone 'What are you drinking?' 'Babycham.' 'Oh, why aren't you drinking?' She used to feed it to me when I was younger."
 |
| Other makes of perry, or deer, are of course available. |
Best Not To Know
Girl: "Oh my God, did you see that girl's cameltoe?!"
Guy: "No, I wasn't looking at her feet."
Guy: "No, I wasn't looking at her feet."
The Outback
Girl at work, after a good five months of planning and saving, on learning she has been granted a visa so she can live / work in Australia for a year:
"I don't actually know anything about Australia. I know there's that big rock in the middle."
"I don't actually know anything about Australia. I know there's that big rock in the middle."
 |
| "It's a rock, it doesn't have any weak spots!" |
Monday 30 July 2012
Rockabilly Baby
My fashion sense is really not all that; nonsense, more like. As a child, I had a beautiful pair of purple trousers with a watermelon print all over. I have fond memories of these, and thankfully no pictures. Then there were the mint green ski pants, the fluorescent bumbag, the bird hair clip that made me look like I had a streak of blue hair... beautiful. Plus to crown the image, a pair of pink, wide-rimmed Eighties glasses so large they covered my whole face.
We didn't have a lot of money and so many of our clothes were hand-me-downs from another family. Clothes from a market stall would arrive in binbags with out of date Eighties patterns and popstar prints (I seem to remember Michael Jackson and Bros). In my early teens, I had a burnt orange skirt, a crushed velvet top and some hot pink culottes. I wore the culottes to the local shops once and saw someone I recognised from school, and was instantly mortified that they'd seen me in something so shocking to the eye.
As I grew older and more embarrassed of drawing any attention to myself, I dressed in white, mushroom, navy; baggy band t shirts in a male size L and ill-fitting jeans. I still had the giant framed glasses because I was scared of change. Me and my best friend used to sneer at the other girls brushing their hair in between classes every time there was a spot of wind - we were at school, we didn't care about impressing anyone. How vain! There is more to life than looks!
Then one day I came in, and my friend was brushing her hair. It was a Forever Alone moment.
At college I bought a red t shirt and it was the bravest thing I'd done for some time. I could feel people staring at me and it made me hot and uncomfortable. (I might have been hot following a 30 minute brisk walk to class, rather than because I was surrounded by eyes, but as a teenager you are so self-conscious, every minor change to your image mattered). Once I left I felt I could start afresh, and so my glasses became smaller and delicately black framed.
At university, I was more of a classic rock hippy. I used to roam Southampton in a pair of enormously flared purple cords, with a multi-coloured belt and brightly coloured t shirts. Eventually Vision Express helped me on my way to getting some contact lenses, and I feel less bogged down by not having to wear specs all the time any more.
I've always been interested in alternative fashions, albeit a mild version. I'm not content with dressing in plain, inoffensive high street 'blands'. My favourite band is Pulp, and their dark, twisted, mouth-wateringly quirky bleeps. They appeared to champion corduroy, velvet, plastic rings, and stripey jumpers. I tried buying all these things, in a mish-mash of fashion. The band were well-known for shopping at charity shops, but in my local town, you wouldn't go in one unless you were over the age of 70. I think things have happily changed now.
Something has happened to me recently, and I have gone a bit rockabilly...
According to Your Scene Sucks, "The Rockabilly lifestyle is generally what happens when punk scene veterans suffer some sort of trauma in their late twenties. As a result, they start believing they are the stars of a 1950's period piece, where they can idealize aspects of a simpler time."
I like it because of the different aspects. There is the tough, rock chick patterns and tattoos, then there is the glamour and femininity of the hairstyles and floaty dresses.
I wear flowers in my hair, polka dots and pearl bracelets. I now own a pair of cheetah-print trousers, and sometimes I am brave enough to wear them out. I can't wear little flicks of eyeliner due to being a heavy user of eye drops though. I recently visited the lovely ladies at Rockabilly, and they cut in some Bettie Bangs, a cute little, slightly puffed out fringe. Now I am one of the people taking my comb out at every opportunity to check they are in place. I don't yet have any tattoos, but I've been considering them for years, and no doubt I will get round to this. I'm even trying to buy nicer underwear, for goodness' sake.
All of this change and trying to fit in isn't something I'm doing for other people; it's for me. I feel more like the person I knew I was back then, but didn't look like, if that makes sense. I don't feel like I have to hide any more - and it feels good.
We didn't have a lot of money and so many of our clothes were hand-me-downs from another family. Clothes from a market stall would arrive in binbags with out of date Eighties patterns and popstar prints (I seem to remember Michael Jackson and Bros). In my early teens, I had a burnt orange skirt, a crushed velvet top and some hot pink culottes. I wore the culottes to the local shops once and saw someone I recognised from school, and was instantly mortified that they'd seen me in something so shocking to the eye.
As I grew older and more embarrassed of drawing any attention to myself, I dressed in white, mushroom, navy; baggy band t shirts in a male size L and ill-fitting jeans. I still had the giant framed glasses because I was scared of change. Me and my best friend used to sneer at the other girls brushing their hair in between classes every time there was a spot of wind - we were at school, we didn't care about impressing anyone. How vain! There is more to life than looks!
Then one day I came in, and my friend was brushing her hair. It was a Forever Alone moment.
 |
| I genuinely used to lay my clothes out like this when I was five... |
At college I bought a red t shirt and it was the bravest thing I'd done for some time. I could feel people staring at me and it made me hot and uncomfortable. (I might have been hot following a 30 minute brisk walk to class, rather than because I was surrounded by eyes, but as a teenager you are so self-conscious, every minor change to your image mattered). Once I left I felt I could start afresh, and so my glasses became smaller and delicately black framed.
At university, I was more of a classic rock hippy. I used to roam Southampton in a pair of enormously flared purple cords, with a multi-coloured belt and brightly coloured t shirts. Eventually Vision Express helped me on my way to getting some contact lenses, and I feel less bogged down by not having to wear specs all the time any more.
I've always been interested in alternative fashions, albeit a mild version. I'm not content with dressing in plain, inoffensive high street 'blands'. My favourite band is Pulp, and their dark, twisted, mouth-wateringly quirky bleeps. They appeared to champion corduroy, velvet, plastic rings, and stripey jumpers. I tried buying all these things, in a mish-mash of fashion. The band were well-known for shopping at charity shops, but in my local town, you wouldn't go in one unless you were over the age of 70. I think things have happily changed now.
 |
| Candida Doyle... adorably quirky rings and jumpers |
According to Your Scene Sucks, "The Rockabilly lifestyle is generally what happens when punk scene veterans suffer some sort of trauma in their late twenties. As a result, they start believing they are the stars of a 1950's period piece, where they can idealize aspects of a simpler time."
I like it because of the different aspects. There is the tough, rock chick patterns and tattoos, then there is the glamour and femininity of the hairstyles and floaty dresses.
I wear flowers in my hair, polka dots and pearl bracelets. I now own a pair of cheetah-print trousers, and sometimes I am brave enough to wear them out. I can't wear little flicks of eyeliner due to being a heavy user of eye drops though. I recently visited the lovely ladies at Rockabilly, and they cut in some Bettie Bangs, a cute little, slightly puffed out fringe. Now I am one of the people taking my comb out at every opportunity to check they are in place. I don't yet have any tattoos, but I've been considering them for years, and no doubt I will get round to this. I'm even trying to buy nicer underwear, for goodness' sake.
All of this change and trying to fit in isn't something I'm doing for other people; it's for me. I feel more like the person I knew I was back then, but didn't look like, if that makes sense. I don't feel like I have to hide any more - and it feels good.
Thursday 26 July 2012
*head desk*
Me: "Toby said the appointment was booked for July 3rd, that’s the day before Independence Day. I mean, not our independence day. We probably shouldn’t be celebrating it."
Girl: "When is our independence day? Or don’t we have one?"
* * * *
Me: "... and then after a few years doing normal navy stuff, he's hoping to train to be an officer."
Girl: "What’s an officer?"
Me (confused by question, and not able to name every rank): "...An officer."
Girl: "Yes but what is it?"
Me: "Er, it's like management."
* * * *
Girl: "Arthroscopy – is that a person or a thing?"
* * * *
* * * *
Girl: "Lyndhurst – is that a chocolate?"
Me: "No, that's in the New Forest. You're thinking of Lindt."
* * * *
* * * *
Girl (sees me reading Complete Norwegian during my lunchbreak): "Is that your English phrasebook?"
Me: "I can already speak English!"
* * * *
* * * *
Where it says 'Girl', it is actually the same girl talking to me in all the above exchanges. She is delightful but it can be a little distracting / frustrating.
Sunday 6 May 2012
Beaten To It
In a previous post, I mentioned how one of my superideas was to open an independent record store in Southsea.
Someone's only gone and bloody done it, around the corner from my current residence.
Pie & Vinyl is the name. It's pretty much self-explanatory as to what they sell. The front half of the shop is the dining area, with limited edition posters, vinyls and unusual ornamental objects, no doubt sourced from the local antiquey places which Southsea does quite well.
The back half is the main record store, and although it's quite small, has plenty of pleasing items in there (including a number of Pulp re-releases; the boyfriend told me he'd never seen them before, however as a massive band nerd, I was able to tell him the year of release, the record label, key tracks and who was singing on them, much to his despair).
On the day we went, it was a bit grey and chilly. Passers-by were squinting through the steamed up windows to see the vintage treats and delicious food within. I had an elderflower cordial and a Thai chicken pie, while boyfriend went for a Scotch pie. They came with mash and minty peas TO DIE FOR, and a choice of gravy or liquor. It was a bit tricky to eat as I could only find what looked like a fish knife, which kept bouncing off the crust, but maybe they just hadn't finished the washing up.
The pies are stocked by one of my favourite brands, Pieminster, with various varieties that you can't order on their website (unless you do a massive bulk buy), and local butcher Buckwells, a popular shop which has queues outside it every Saturday.
Out back, the boyfriend picked up a Jack White single that he liked, while I plumped for Anna Calvi 'Suzanne & I' - a bit of a vanity purchase (Suzanne is my name. Obviously the song's not about me. We've never met, though she did give me a weird look once while I was waiting outside a venue for the Pigeon Detectives. Her band Cheap Hotel had been supporting and I'd seen then two days running, hence the weird look).
Pie & Vinyl also provides a place to pick up copies of The Stool Pigeon, which I hadn't seen here before (close inspection reveals it's available in quite a few places on Albert Road, but lack of disposable income has prevented me from visiting on a regular basis).
We also had a a little chat with the proprietors once we'd dined and spent all our money, and such lovely chaps they are, very friendly and keen to hear our comments.
I banned myself from visiting over Record Store Day as I am trying to save for a deposit for the next rental flat. Next time I am back in Southsea I will sadly be further away (at present it's a three minute walk there) but I will definitely come back. Even if I am slightly jealous they achieved their superidea before I did.
Pie & Vinyl on Facebook
Someone's only gone and bloody done it, around the corner from my current residence.
Pie & Vinyl is the name. It's pretty much self-explanatory as to what they sell. The front half of the shop is the dining area, with limited edition posters, vinyls and unusual ornamental objects, no doubt sourced from the local antiquey places which Southsea does quite well.
The back half is the main record store, and although it's quite small, has plenty of pleasing items in there (including a number of Pulp re-releases; the boyfriend told me he'd never seen them before, however as a massive band nerd, I was able to tell him the year of release, the record label, key tracks and who was singing on them, much to his despair).
On the day we went, it was a bit grey and chilly. Passers-by were squinting through the steamed up windows to see the vintage treats and delicious food within. I had an elderflower cordial and a Thai chicken pie, while boyfriend went for a Scotch pie. They came with mash and minty peas TO DIE FOR, and a choice of gravy or liquor. It was a bit tricky to eat as I could only find what looked like a fish knife, which kept bouncing off the crust, but maybe they just hadn't finished the washing up.
The pies are stocked by one of my favourite brands, Pieminster, with various varieties that you can't order on their website (unless you do a massive bulk buy), and local butcher Buckwells, a popular shop which has queues outside it every Saturday.
Out back, the boyfriend picked up a Jack White single that he liked, while I plumped for Anna Calvi 'Suzanne & I' - a bit of a vanity purchase (Suzanne is my name. Obviously the song's not about me. We've never met, though she did give me a weird look once while I was waiting outside a venue for the Pigeon Detectives. Her band Cheap Hotel had been supporting and I'd seen then two days running, hence the weird look).
Pie & Vinyl also provides a place to pick up copies of The Stool Pigeon, which I hadn't seen here before (close inspection reveals it's available in quite a few places on Albert Road, but lack of disposable income has prevented me from visiting on a regular basis).
We also had a a little chat with the proprietors once we'd dined and spent all our money, and such lovely chaps they are, very friendly and keen to hear our comments.
I banned myself from visiting over Record Store Day as I am trying to save for a deposit for the next rental flat. Next time I am back in Southsea I will sadly be further away (at present it's a three minute walk there) but I will definitely come back. Even if I am slightly jealous they achieved their superidea before I did.
Pie & Vinyl on Facebook
Two Conversations At Once
Me: "I feel so bloated. I didn't eat much cake, but I had a bit of fizzy drink and now I feel huge. Do you ever get that? My stomach's just ballooned. I have to keep breathing in."
Girl: "It gets worse every time I look."
Me: "??!"
Girl: "Not you, sorry. I was talking about that girl's badly-fitting trousers."
Girl: "It gets worse every time I look."
Me: "??!"
Girl: "Not you, sorry. I was talking about that girl's badly-fitting trousers."
In Honour Of The Local Elections
Me: "I tried booking an appointment for tomorrow, but the lady works for a council so she's really busy as it's local elections."
Girl: "Oh, I didn't realise that was tomorrow. Are the Conservatories still in power?"
(A few minutes passed while another lady and myself made jokes about the Conservatives being quite rigid, possibly corrugated, and they get really really hot in summer time. Then:)
Girl: "Who were the ones that used to be in power... the Lib Dems?"
Me: "Er, they're still in power now? They're in a coalition with the Conservatives."
Girl: "Oh no, I meant the ones who were in for ages and ages."
Me: "Labour?"
Girl: "Yeah, that's them."
Probably just as well that voter turnout was quite low.
* * * *
Lady: "I'm doing a quiz where all the answers are creatures. The clue is 'off balance'."
Me: "It's hard trying to think of a word, then an animal it sounds like. Unsteady? Wavering?"
Lady: "Wobble? I suppose it sounds a bit like Womble, haha!"
Girl: "It could be that one, because Wombles are wild animals, they live in Australia."
Me: "Firstly, they tend to roam Wimbledon Common, secondly THEY'RE NOT REAL!"
Girl: "Oh, I didn't realise that was tomorrow. Are the Conservatories still in power?"
(A few minutes passed while another lady and myself made jokes about the Conservatives being quite rigid, possibly corrugated, and they get really really hot in summer time. Then:)
Girl: "Who were the ones that used to be in power... the Lib Dems?"
Me: "Er, they're still in power now? They're in a coalition with the Conservatives."
Girl: "Oh no, I meant the ones who were in for ages and ages."
Me: "Labour?"
Girl: "Yeah, that's them."
Probably just as well that voter turnout was quite low.
* * * *
Lady: "I'm doing a quiz where all the answers are creatures. The clue is 'off balance'."
Me: "It's hard trying to think of a word, then an animal it sounds like. Unsteady? Wavering?"
Lady: "Wobble? I suppose it sounds a bit like Womble, haha!"
Girl: "It could be that one, because Wombles are wild animals, they live in Australia."
Me: "Firstly, they tend to roam Wimbledon Common, secondly THEY'RE NOT REAL!"
 |
| G'day! |
Friday 30 March 2012
Mrs Spooner
I'm easily amused (as you can probably tell from this blog).
So in the car on the way to work, one of the girls was chatting away. I was half-listening as she was describing some big man she'd seen, but then my ears pricked up.
"Shit brickhouse... sorry, did you say he was built like a shit brickhouse?"
"Yeah, he was massive," she responded.
I sat laughing in the back before realising no-one else had picked up on this, then had to spend the next fifteen minutes sniggering into my hand.
My life is fully of hilarity. (And sarcasm. Plenty of sarcasm).
So in the car on the way to work, one of the girls was chatting away. I was half-listening as she was describing some big man she'd seen, but then my ears pricked up.
"Shit brickhouse... sorry, did you say he was built like a shit brickhouse?"
"Yeah, he was massive," she responded.
I sat laughing in the back before realising no-one else had picked up on this, then had to spend the next fifteen minutes sniggering into my hand.
My life is fully of hilarity. (And sarcasm. Plenty of sarcasm).
 |
| Br*ck Sh*thouse |
 |
| Sh*t Br*ckhouse. Not sure why I bleeped the fucking swearing. |
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Seat Move Bears Fruit
Yes, verbal fruit. We've had some desk moves at work and I have been put next to a lady who, happily for all of us, is delightful but often says the silly things.
Today alone, we had:
Today alone, we had:
Lady: "Asian flu, is it spelt like that - A-V-I-A-N?"
Me: "Avian flu. That’s bird flu."
Lady: "Oh.
Someone Else: "If you're doing that test, you can take your phone off."
Lady: "I thought you said 'take your clothes off'!"
Someone Else: "I do get more things done when I'm naked."
Lady: "What side are your kidneys on, your left or your right?"
Me: "There's one on each side, so in answer to your question, yes. You have two, that’s why if you get a match and have an organ transplant, the other person’s still ok because they’ve got one working one."
Me: "There's one on each side, so in answer to your question, yes. You have two, that’s why if you get a match and have an organ transplant, the other person’s still ok because they’ve got one working one."
Lady: "I knew that you couldn’t live without it, but I thought you only had one."
I look forward to tomorrow.
Still Learning Norwegian (Slowly)
I've had my Learn Norwegian In Three Months book for over ten years.
I am currently on page 24.
In the mornings before work, I like to spend 15 minutes reading the book and attempting the exercises. Apparently I'm one of those boring people who actually enjoys learning things for no real reason other than I like learning things, much to the amusement of everyone I work with.
My favourite word of the moment is 'ekorn'. It means 'squirrel' but look! it looks like 'acorn'! Isn't that amazing!
I have put together all my wisdom and come up with the sentence
The issue I have with my book is that it doesn't appear to start with anything too useful. Like I remember as a child, we had these amazing illustrated dictionaries to help you learn objects in various environments. I didn't instantly go in learning how to pluralise verbs or do a series of tasks where no-one tells you that particular adjective is highly irregular, and having to guess whether something is common gender or neuter.
I haven't learnt much this week... landlady is selling the flat at short notice, I need to find somewhere and get out, boyfriend is doing navy stuff and is currently non-contactable, let alone in the correct county and available for house viewings. As a result I've been burrowing into an old favourite (Bill Bryson - The Lost Continent') in an attempt to de-stress. It's not really working so I might pick up the norsk again tomorrow and hopefully occupy the braincells.
I am currently on page 24.
In the mornings before work, I like to spend 15 minutes reading the book and attempting the exercises. Apparently I'm one of those boring people who actually enjoys learning things for no real reason other than I like learning things, much to the amusement of everyone I work with.
My favourite word of the moment is 'ekorn'. It means 'squirrel' but look! it looks like 'acorn'! Isn't that amazing!
I have put together all my wisdom and come up with the sentence
'Jeg er et lite ekorn'
which (hopefully) means ' I am a little squirrel.'The issue I have with my book is that it doesn't appear to start with anything too useful. Like I remember as a child, we had these amazing illustrated dictionaries to help you learn objects in various environments. I didn't instantly go in learning how to pluralise verbs or do a series of tasks where no-one tells you that particular adjective is highly irregular, and having to guess whether something is common gender or neuter.
I haven't learnt much this week... landlady is selling the flat at short notice, I need to find somewhere and get out, boyfriend is doing navy stuff and is currently non-contactable, let alone in the correct county and available for house viewings. As a result I've been burrowing into an old favourite (Bill Bryson - The Lost Continent') in an attempt to de-stress. It's not really working so I might pick up the norsk again tomorrow and hopefully occupy the braincells.
Saturday 24 March 2012
The Joy Of The Typo
These are typing errors which I have noticed on various work files and the odd email.
"Client requested interpreter because they are death."
"I emailed your elves last week but am yet to receive a response."
"Therapist says the client is a pain ** *** ****."
(Office administrator says hopefully the client won't request their notes, as they can probably work out what the asterisks are hiding).
"Therapist has agreed to reboob the client."
(This is not a medical procedure we would encourage).
"I recently interimmed this patient..."
(We hope you mean that you carried out an interim report. Otherwise we hope you got their consent for that).
As usual, thanks to my office spies... the spies with the eyes x
"Client requested interpreter because they are death."
 | |
| "Did someone call?" |
"I emailed your elves last week but am yet to receive a response."
 |
| We're kinda busy this time of year, you cotton-headed ninnymuggins! |
"Therapist says the client is a pain ** *** ****."
(Office administrator says hopefully the client won't request their notes, as they can probably work out what the asterisks are hiding).
"Therapist has agreed to reboob the client."
(This is not a medical procedure we would encourage).
"I recently interimmed this patient..."
(We hope you mean that you carried out an interim report. Otherwise we hope you got their consent for that).
As usual, thanks to my office spies... the spies with the eyes x
Sunday 11 March 2012
Considering The Future
Every other week, I come up with a BRILLIANT idea. An AMAZING plan for my future career which will bring joy, experiences, respect, riches, and a smart new wardrobe to go with.
Every other week I realise exactly how far away I am from achieving... well, anything really.
The latest in a long line of superideas include:
* Running an independent record label in Southsea. Mainly indie cool vinyl.
Positives - The closest rival sells olde records for a quid, whereas mine would be shiny mint ltd ed new things. Student and young people area.
Negatives - We're in a recession and everyone downloads everything! The cost of running a shop, paying staff, locating merchandise. Long hours and not much money. Oh, also I've never worked in a music store. But I have both seen AND read High Fidelity and I used to go in Our Price all the time when I was 14.
* Starting a range of vinyl art toys
Positives - I am a geek. I have a handful of Lunartik tea monsters, and two Han Solos. There is a market for toys aimed at adults.
Negatives - My artistic skills are sub-standard. No-one would buy anything.
* Writing a sitcom / book.
Positives - I've started both! And a screenplay.
Negatives - Time and social life getting in the way. Three years and 30,000 words so far, whereas I need at least 80,000 for the book. Being too scared to interview people doesn't help.
HOWEVER this is the one superidea I keep coming back to. So can people stop inviting me out in the evenings, and can work stop making me come in, and can we block Facebook, and I might get somewhere. Thanks awfully.
* Opening an ice cream parlour in Gunwharf (or a doughnut / waffle house).
Positives - support from work colleagues, or a few people said "I like doughnuts!" so that's my customer base. I like ice cream a lot. There are plenty of dairy farms in Hampshire or we could use some Jersey milk, thus impressing all the people who have hopped on the ferry from the Channel Islands. I've also found a nice dress which would look lovely at the official opening ceremony.
Negatives - I have long hair which tends to fall out at inappropriate baking moments, so suspect half the ice cream would have to be scrapped. I would also need £££££ to get shop premises, employees and a franchise. Or I would have to learn how to make ice cream, because one Mr Frosty alone would not be enough.
* Starting a magazine for solicitors.
Positives - Used to work as an online music journalist in an office full of talented individuals who worked on the financial titles and therefore know about business-to-business content, advertising, production and everything else. I currently work in a role where I speak to solicitors a lot of the time about injury claims and the like.
Negatives - There are several magazines already. And I have spoken to a number of incredibly rude solicitors before, people who seem to think everything revolves around them, and it would take a lot of effort to not write an article entitled 'YOU SMUG ARROGANT BASTARDS' aimed at the offending case handlers. They know who they are. They have no friends. This may alienate the rest of the readership as they may mistakenly think this is about them. Bad idea.
* Working as a speech and language therapist.
Positives - I like language. I like the idea of helping people achieve something. I would like to be a professional, good at my job and committed to encouraging other. I also like the idea of being on a career path which pays above £15,000 a year, but never mind.
Negatives - You need a degree in this discipline. I already have a relatively useless degree, which means I wouldn't qualify for any financial support. I imagine scientific wisdom would be helpful, but as we discovered in an earlier post, I can't even remember the boiling point of water and am concerned I would be out of my depth. Also I am scared of people.
* Going on a working holiday to New Zealand.
Positives - This is the latest venture I am excited about (rather than the book/sitcom, where I just procrastinate then regularly weep at my rubbishness). It would make me more confident. I can go abroad for up to a good year or so, and work on farms, fruit picking, mucking out horses (I have vast experience of this), or in an office, then travel round and look at Stuff. I desperately need to travel and look at Stuff. Also then maybe I could get a tattoo of a kiwi. If I ran out of money, then could just come home. Boyfriend is in the navy and is away a lot, so he wouldn't exactly be sat around waiting for me. It's usually the other way round!
Negatives - Someone still has to pay rent at home, unless I move out, in which case where does the boyfriend and all our furniture end up? Also I am scared of people and might just spend three weeks hiding under a hostel bed. Also I believe you have to apply for a working holiday vis before your 31st birthday - I'm nearly 30, so there's not a lot of time left...
The way I'm looking at it, if I don't work abroad even for just a couple of months I will regret it, and if I don't complete my book I will actually eat this laptop out of frustration.
Anyone got any tips / advice / £200,000 going spare?How do you all do your superideas? x
Every other week I realise exactly how far away I am from achieving... well, anything really.
The latest in a long line of superideas include:
* Running an independent record label in Southsea. Mainly indie cool vinyl.
Positives - The closest rival sells olde records for a quid, whereas mine would be shiny mint ltd ed new things. Student and young people area.
Negatives - We're in a recession and everyone downloads everything! The cost of running a shop, paying staff, locating merchandise. Long hours and not much money. Oh, also I've never worked in a music store. But I have both seen AND read High Fidelity and I used to go in Our Price all the time when I was 14.
* Starting a range of vinyl art toys
Positives - I am a geek. I have a handful of Lunartik tea monsters, and two Han Solos. There is a market for toys aimed at adults.
Negatives - My artistic skills are sub-standard. No-one would buy anything.
* Writing a sitcom / book.
Positives - I've started both! And a screenplay.
Negatives - Time and social life getting in the way. Three years and 30,000 words so far, whereas I need at least 80,000 for the book. Being too scared to interview people doesn't help.
HOWEVER this is the one superidea I keep coming back to. So can people stop inviting me out in the evenings, and can work stop making me come in, and can we block Facebook, and I might get somewhere. Thanks awfully.
* Opening an ice cream parlour in Gunwharf (or a doughnut / waffle house).
Positives - support from work colleagues, or a few people said "I like doughnuts!" so that's my customer base. I like ice cream a lot. There are plenty of dairy farms in Hampshire or we could use some Jersey milk, thus impressing all the people who have hopped on the ferry from the Channel Islands. I've also found a nice dress which would look lovely at the official opening ceremony.
Negatives - I have long hair which tends to fall out at inappropriate baking moments, so suspect half the ice cream would have to be scrapped. I would also need £££££ to get shop premises, employees and a franchise. Or I would have to learn how to make ice cream, because one Mr Frosty alone would not be enough.
* Starting a magazine for solicitors.
Positives - Used to work as an online music journalist in an office full of talented individuals who worked on the financial titles and therefore know about business-to-business content, advertising, production and everything else. I currently work in a role where I speak to solicitors a lot of the time about injury claims and the like.
Negatives - There are several magazines already. And I have spoken to a number of incredibly rude solicitors before, people who seem to think everything revolves around them, and it would take a lot of effort to not write an article entitled 'YOU SMUG ARROGANT BASTARDS' aimed at the offending case handlers. They know who they are. They have no friends. This may alienate the rest of the readership as they may mistakenly think this is about them. Bad idea.
* Working as a speech and language therapist.
Positives - I like language. I like the idea of helping people achieve something. I would like to be a professional, good at my job and committed to encouraging other. I also like the idea of being on a career path which pays above £15,000 a year, but never mind.
Negatives - You need a degree in this discipline. I already have a relatively useless degree, which means I wouldn't qualify for any financial support. I imagine scientific wisdom would be helpful, but as we discovered in an earlier post, I can't even remember the boiling point of water and am concerned I would be out of my depth. Also I am scared of people.
* Going on a working holiday to New Zealand.
Positives - This is the latest venture I am excited about (rather than the book/sitcom, where I just procrastinate then regularly weep at my rubbishness). It would make me more confident. I can go abroad for up to a good year or so, and work on farms, fruit picking, mucking out horses (I have vast experience of this), or in an office, then travel round and look at Stuff. I desperately need to travel and look at Stuff. Also then maybe I could get a tattoo of a kiwi. If I ran out of money, then could just come home. Boyfriend is in the navy and is away a lot, so he wouldn't exactly be sat around waiting for me. It's usually the other way round!
Negatives - Someone still has to pay rent at home, unless I move out, in which case where does the boyfriend and all our furniture end up? Also I am scared of people and might just spend three weeks hiding under a hostel bed. Also I believe you have to apply for a working holiday vis before your 31st birthday - I'm nearly 30, so there's not a lot of time left...
The way I'm looking at it, if I don't work abroad even for just a couple of months I will regret it, and if I don't complete my book I will actually eat this laptop out of frustration.
Anyone got any tips / advice / £200,000 going spare?How do you all do your superideas? x
Thursday 8 March 2012
I Am Not Infallible
Why I should stop being so smug about everyone else...
Guy: "How hot do you think that water is? Very hot. It must be close to boiling."
Me: "40, 50, 60 degrees? Because the temperature of boiling water's 60, isn't it?"
Guy: "Ahh, no. It's 100."
Me: "Oh yeah, of course. It's because there are 60 minutes in an hour. I got them confused."
Guy: "...Yeah. I see how you did that."
Guy: "How hot do you think that water is? Very hot. It must be close to boiling."
Me: "40, 50, 60 degrees? Because the temperature of boiling water's 60, isn't it?"
Guy: "Ahh, no. It's 100."
Me: "Oh yeah, of course. It's because there are 60 minutes in an hour. I got them confused."
Guy: "...Yeah. I see how you did that."
Fire (In The Disco)
On the way to fire marshal training at work:
Me: "I'd be too scared to use a fire extinguisher in case I used the wrong one. Like if you put water on an electrical fire."
Girl: "I wouldn't want to use it, because what if the fire brigade came, and they ran out, and needed to use it?"
Me: "I'd be too scared to use a fire extinguisher in case I used the wrong one. Like if you put water on an electrical fire."
Girl: "I wouldn't want to use it, because what if the fire brigade came, and they ran out, and needed to use it?"
Friday 17 February 2012
Why The English No Longer Have An Empire
Occasionally at work we would play the A To Z game, where you pick a theme and obviously list things alphabetically. Alcohol and Fruit were popular topics. Less popular was Countries, because someone would usually say Lapland or Hawaii and get me enraged... Here are some recent geographical comments that amuse me.
* * *
Girl: "Is Leeds in Leicestershire?"
Me: "No, it's in Yorkshire."
Girl: "What about Leicester?"
Me: "...Yes, that's probably in Leicestershire."
* * *
Note on system: "Client is happy to travel to Derry area (Londonderry is in Derry)"
* * *
Girl: "How do you pronounce this place?"
shows slip of paper reading 'Worcs'
Me: "That's short for Worcestershire, as in the county."
Girl: "Oh. I don't think I've heard of that one."
Me: "I think it's quite small, so we don't hear about it a lot. Much like Monmouthshire."
Overhearing Disbeliever: "Monmouthshire?!"
Someone Else to Disbeliever: "Yeah, that is a county."
* * *
Board games night with friends -
Quizmaster: "Name one of the Channel Islands."
Contestant: "The Falkland Islands."
* * *
Work quizzes-
Quizmaster: "What's the capital of Tibet?"
Contestant: "Rome."
As always, thank you to my office spies.
I have a strange attachment...
I have a strange attachment to...
The Joiners in Southampton. It's the 'biggest' small music venue in this part of the world. A scuzzy, darkened room is where the bands strut their stuff. At the other end is a little bar area with flyers, zines, and posters of the big band who have played here before: Coldplay, Mystery Jets, Oasis. They have some art prints up of the big bands who have played, touchingly including local champions Delays, although I had to explain to some Londoners who they were. There are little stickers everywhere from over-excited street teamers and bands.
My not-so-secret relationship with the Joiners encompasses all these things:
* Going to gigs by myself
* Going to gigs with half a dozen close friends
* To see friends' bands (Dharma)
* To see bands I've never heard of (too many to list) - some awesome discoveries, some I still require smelling salts when I think of them
* To see bands I'm on the guestlist for (lots)
* To see bands I love and have seen more than once around the place (The Pigeon Detectives, Slow Club, Lost Campesinos!, Dananananaykroyd, Pulled Apart By Horses)
* Obtaining autographs after a show (The Pipettes, Kid Carpet)
* I may have even participated in a stage invasion, I've been in a few but can't remember where they all were
* Reviewing bands back in the days when I was 'journalist extraordinaire', (according to my friend Pete Plus One) for native.tv and mintsouth, making little notes on my phone
* Interviewing bands (see above) like The Twang, The Mules, Mexicolas
* Buying merch - t shirts (The Long Blondes, for my sister), vinyls (The Strange Death Of Liberal England, Band Of Skulls)
* Eating dinner with bands (Mexicolas... the PR didn't tell them I was coming and it was teatime, so they let me share their pasta)
* Street teaming for The Rifles and The Research. They were all lovely.
* Playing onstage with Dead Rabbits
* Once I lost my phone there :( Thankfully someone handed it in
* Have been into the 'secret' downstairs / backstage area. There is a squishy sofa and some wire netting
* Manning the merch stall... or rather, waiting for the real tour manager / band to take over after their wee break
Sights have included:
* Pulled Apart By Horses jumping off speaker stacks and into the crowd
* Sweet Baboo's saxophonist during Slow Club realising he was minus a piece of important equipment... cue lots of running around during song before being handed the item the last second before the saxy solo started
* People throwing beer at bands
* People trying to start a fist fight during The Holloways
* Flying beer, flying water
* Me and Peter Plus One wearing The Dead 60s stickers all over our faces
* Start of the UK smoking ban... chap lights up a cigarette, takes a puff and stamps it out. Repeat.
* DAMN GOOD bands eg Morning Runner, Band Of Skulls, and many others I love
This week I played onstage again with Dead Rabbits (I am their poor quality drummer and token female). We were meant to be mid-gig somewhere but ended up headlining... whoop!
So basically I have been there as a player, a punter and a volunteer. All I need to do now is man the door or work the sound desk, and I'll have the full set of Joiners Experiences.
I love you Joiners. I'll be back. Try and stop me...
The Joiners in Southampton. It's the 'biggest' small music venue in this part of the world. A scuzzy, darkened room is where the bands strut their stuff. At the other end is a little bar area with flyers, zines, and posters of the big band who have played here before: Coldplay, Mystery Jets, Oasis. They have some art prints up of the big bands who have played, touchingly including local champions Delays, although I had to explain to some Londoners who they were. There are little stickers everywhere from over-excited street teamers and bands.
My not-so-secret relationship with the Joiners encompasses all these things:
* Going to gigs by myself
* Going to gigs with half a dozen close friends
* To see friends' bands (Dharma)
* To see bands I've never heard of (too many to list) - some awesome discoveries, some I still require smelling salts when I think of them
* To see bands I'm on the guestlist for (lots)
* To see bands I love and have seen more than once around the place (The Pigeon Detectives, Slow Club, Lost Campesinos!, Dananananaykroyd, Pulled Apart By Horses)
* Obtaining autographs after a show (The Pipettes, Kid Carpet)
* I may have even participated in a stage invasion, I've been in a few but can't remember where they all were
* Reviewing bands back in the days when I was 'journalist extraordinaire', (according to my friend Pete Plus One) for native.tv and mintsouth, making little notes on my phone
* Interviewing bands (see above) like The Twang, The Mules, Mexicolas
* Buying merch - t shirts (The Long Blondes, for my sister), vinyls (The Strange Death Of Liberal England, Band Of Skulls)
* Eating dinner with bands (Mexicolas... the PR didn't tell them I was coming and it was teatime, so they let me share their pasta)
* Street teaming for The Rifles and The Research. They were all lovely.
* Playing onstage with Dead Rabbits
* Once I lost my phone there :( Thankfully someone handed it in
* Have been into the 'secret' downstairs / backstage area. There is a squishy sofa and some wire netting
* Manning the merch stall... or rather, waiting for the real tour manager / band to take over after their wee break
Sights have included:
* Pulled Apart By Horses jumping off speaker stacks and into the crowd
* Sweet Baboo's saxophonist during Slow Club realising he was minus a piece of important equipment... cue lots of running around during song before being handed the item the last second before the saxy solo started
* People throwing beer at bands
* People trying to start a fist fight during The Holloways
* Flying beer, flying water
* Me and Peter Plus One wearing The Dead 60s stickers all over our faces
* Start of the UK smoking ban... chap lights up a cigarette, takes a puff and stamps it out. Repeat.
* DAMN GOOD bands eg Morning Runner, Band Of Skulls, and many others I love
This week I played onstage again with Dead Rabbits (I am their poor quality drummer and token female). We were meant to be mid-gig somewhere but ended up headlining... whoop!
So basically I have been there as a player, a punter and a volunteer. All I need to do now is man the door or work the sound desk, and I'll have the full set of Joiners Experiences.
I love you Joiners. I'll be back. Try and stop me...
Tuesday 7 February 2012
Bird Talk
Girl From Work: "They asked me to buy some whisky, a bottle of Famous Grouse. I know
which one that is. It's the one with the peacock on the front."
 | |
| Not Very Famous Grouse |
 |
| Cocky Peacock. I think we reached the limit of my drawing ability some time ago. |
 |
| There, there *pats head* |
Famous Events
Girl from work: "What's the Super Bowl?"
Answer is clearly THIS.
It's bigger than a dinosaur.
Answer is clearly THIS.
I Hear What You're Saying, But...
From my delightful work colleagues:
"I don't really get overdrafts. I don't understand whose money it is, yours or the banks?"
* * *
"What does S.O.S stand for?"
* * *
"It was so busy, we were running around like headless flies."
* * *
"I'm having Cantonese curry tonight. It tastes like Chinese curry."
* * *
"Jack White... was he in the White Stripes? Do you think that's where they got the name from? Him and his sister."
"I don't really get overdrafts. I don't understand whose money it is, yours or the banks?"
* * *
"What does S.O.S stand for?"
* * *
"It was so busy, we were running around like headless flies."
* * *
"I'm having Cantonese curry tonight. It tastes like Chinese curry."
* * *
"Jack White... was he in the White Stripes? Do you think that's where they got the name from? Him and his sister."
 |
| My thoughts too, love. |
What exactly is a 'smuglytte'?
The address of this blog is Smuglytte. Smuglytte is one of Moomin's Norsk friends. She is pretty and fluffy and scared of trolls. Here is a picture I drew:
I completely made that up. Actually 'smuglytte' is Norwegian for 'eavesdrop'. The literal translation appears to be 'secret listen'. (Or it should be. I may have picked the wrong word out the dictionary, but let's hope not). I try and learn Norwegian every five years or so, but never get terribly far due to a strange lack of conversational Scandinavian classes in Hampshire. I will try and post words I like in here though, so everyone can benefit from my newly-acquired wisdom.
 |
|
Hei! Jeg heter Smuglytte. Hyggelig
å hilse på deg!
|
I completely made that up. Actually 'smuglytte' is Norwegian for 'eavesdrop'. The literal translation appears to be 'secret listen'. (Or it should be. I may have picked the wrong word out the dictionary, but let's hope not). I try and learn Norwegian every five years or so, but never get terribly far due to a strange lack of conversational Scandinavian classes in Hampshire. I will try and post words I like in here though, so everyone can benefit from my newly-acquired wisdom.
My Dad always said to me...
"Engage brain before you engage your mouth!"
He would generally say this with some well-meaning but ill-placed hope, shortly before cuffing me around the head when I next said something useless. I was always being accused of living in 'My Little Pony Land', candyfloss dreams where the mouth used to happily canter away long before the grey matter caught up. Generally my family would assume I was foolish; thoughtless, chatterbox, nonsensical berk. I prefer to use the term 'quick-witted'.
Nowadays I think I have got the better of my brain. I see when it is forming a mischievous plan to make me look ridiculous, often by mispronouncing a word that I have no trouble spelling ('chauffeur' becomes 'shaffer'; 'VANtage' becomes 'van-TAAARGE') and so my lips clamp together in a cracked, nervous grin on a regular basis.
Others, however, have not yet developed control. It is these people this blog primarily sets out to find. The people whose mouths rule their brain, not the other way around. Without them, this site is nothing. People Who Say Things They Shouldn't (And Then Realise They Sound A Bit Daft), this is for you. I love all of you, though I do occasionally get the urge to hit you over the head with something, because you drive me insane.
I will also be posting joyful internet pictures that make me giggle, splendid photographs and maybe waffle on about stuff I like. I hope you enjoy.
Suzanne x
He would generally say this with some well-meaning but ill-placed hope, shortly before cuffing me around the head when I next said something useless. I was always being accused of living in 'My Little Pony Land', candyfloss dreams where the mouth used to happily canter away long before the grey matter caught up. Generally my family would assume I was foolish; thoughtless, chatterbox, nonsensical berk. I prefer to use the term 'quick-witted'.
Nowadays I think I have got the better of my brain. I see when it is forming a mischievous plan to make me look ridiculous, often by mispronouncing a word that I have no trouble spelling ('chauffeur' becomes 'shaffer'; 'VANtage' becomes 'van-TAAARGE') and so my lips clamp together in a cracked, nervous grin on a regular basis.
Others, however, have not yet developed control. It is these people this blog primarily sets out to find. The people whose mouths rule their brain, not the other way around. Without them, this site is nothing. People Who Say Things They Shouldn't (And Then Realise They Sound A Bit Daft), this is for you. I love all of you, though I do occasionally get the urge to hit you over the head with something, because you drive me insane.
I will also be posting joyful internet pictures that make me giggle, splendid photographs and maybe waffle on about stuff I like. I hope you enjoy.
Suzanne x
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